The cultivation of character

Life’s lessons from living a life of simplicity, modesty and grace that is purposeful and fulfilling

THE LAST WORD | ANDREW M. MWENDA | On the late morning of Monday, July 13, my father-in-law, Fred Gyezaho, was rushed to hospital. I had a lunch date with my friend, the affable Mauro Massoni, Italian ambassador to Uganda, at his home in Kololo. Mauro is always great company. Our meetings are fun because serious intellectual discussions are spiced with good humor over wine, fish, vegetables and pasta. But also, Mauro has the bad habit of giving me cashew nuts before the meal. I can’t stop munching them because I am addicted.

I was just settling down for this afternoon of promiscuous intellectual intercourse when my wife, Fifi, called. Her dad had run out of blood. For almost an hour, I was on the phone trying to get blood to save his life. We finally got the blood, and I rejoined Mauro and two of his colleagues for lunch at the dining table. It was an entertaining intellectual tour de force. But it was brief, and I had to leave to find out what had happened to Fred. When I got into my car, I found a text message from Fifi that Fred had rested.

Fred was not my father in law in the technical sense of that word. He was not my wife’s biological dad. Instead, he was Fifi’s brother in law, having married her eldest sister, Margaret. When Fifi was four years old, Margaret asked their parents to allow her bring Fifi to Kampala to live with them. Fifi grew up with her sister, Margaret, as her mother and Fred as her father.

I have lived with Fifi for 24 years now, and she always referred to Fred as ‘Dad’. The closest people to her are her nieces and nephews: Emmanuel, Owen, Olivia and Aret, whom she relates to as siblings. It is a close-knit family that seems as if made in heaven. Margaret died in 1995, leaving Fred, then in his late thirties, these kids to raise. Their close ties, simplicity and grace are evidence of his great parenting skills.

I personally had the least interaction with Fred. This could be because I am a sociopath. I suffer from an inability to fit in the regular flow of cultural norms. I visit very few people, rarely attend weddings and funerals, etc. My knowledge of Fred was therefore shaped by my wife’s very high regard for him, the well-mannered nature of his children and the attachment his friends had with him.

Fred was a fascinating man in large part because he was unassuming. All his life, he never sought power or money or fame or recognition or glory. Instead, he sought simplicity, service, love and loyalty. He never quarrelled with anyone, never made enemies, and never carried grudges. He was, as anyone who knew him would tell you, a very difficult man to hate.

Now, whenever someone dies, the question that is most important is: of what value has their life been to their family, friends and community? When I reflect on Fred, I see why and how he lived a purposeful, joyful and fulfilling life. Where many people seek wealth, power, status and fame to validate them, Fred actively sought obscurity. He focused his attention on loving his children and dotting upon them. He was faithful to his God, loyal to his friends and dedicated to his work. He deliberately chose this life because he cared mostly about the integrity of his character.

In the 24 years I have shared my life with Fifi, I have been close to her siblings, especially Olivia and Emmanuel, and regularly related with Owen and Aret. Not once during this time have I ever shared a bad word with any of them. Indeed, I have never seen any one of them quarrel or yell at another person. They are the most well-behaved and respectful people I’ve known all my life. It is almost impossible to imagine such a thing.

Margaret died when the kids were all young. I do not know the impact she had on them. I suspect she must have been a very good mother. However, and without any doubt, Fred’s role in cultivating their manners and characters was huge. And from all that they have told me about him, it is clear that Fred’s parenting was not driven by lectures, summons, or callings to account. Instead, he cultivated their character by the power of his example. He led a decent, unassuming and calm existence, which he imparted on his kids by the way he lived and worked.

Fred worked at State House yet never wore it on his face, let alone mentioned it to anyone. Many who work in that place want to project their closeness to power, load it over others and abuse that privilege to harass and abuse others. Indeed, his wife, Margaret, was not just a first cousin to the First Lady, Mrs Janet Museveni, but also her very close friend. Yet no one who worked close to or lived with Fred knew this. He was so strong that power never conquered his soul. Instead, he tamed power and humbled it.

This art or simplicity, this science of self-restraint, and this comfort in modesty are the gifts he bestowed on his children. Where others lose friends over money, Fred would lose money to help his friends. Where others seek meaning in material things, Fred sought purpose in being a good human being to his family, friends and his workmates. Where many seek validation through status, Fred worked actively to be obscure. He served his country with dedication and distinction and yet never sought recognition.

Fred was a great man because he was simple. He was not rich in material possessions but very rich in his heart. Where others struggled to make money to live in big houses, drive fancy cars, wear luxury clothes and bedeck their wives and children in expensive jewellery, Fred found meaning and purpose in helping others rise up; because for him, money was valuable if it helped him to be generous to his friends and community.

This way, while Fred has left this world, his legacy will forever remain alive in the humility of his children, in the success of relatives and friends whose careers he helped build and in the community called ‘Uganda’ which he served selflessly. Rest well, Fred. You will always remain cherished in my life and the lives of all those who were touched by your kindness and grace.

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amwenda@ugindependent.co.ug